“Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.” Ephesians 6:10
I think it’s time. I’m not ready, but, as we all know, God’s time is usually never our time. To personalize the verse above, I am strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. During my drive home tonight from spending a few precious hours enjoying pizza, a chick flick, and way more junk food than this mostly whole-food plant-based body is used to, with a couple of sisters in Christ, I felt like God told me it’s time. Time for what, you ask? It’s time to tell you how whatareyouthinking247 came into existence.
Maybe it was seeing the relief on the face of the drunken, lost country singer reveal the truth he’d been hiding after he sank to rock bottom. Actually, the thought of blogging about this flickered in my mind after I shared this openly for the first time at a Mastering Motherhood event. After I finished speaking, a woman approached me at my table and asked if this was on my blog. Naturally, she assumed that since I had spoken about it, it must be public knowledge. I’m embarrassed to admit, but that was the first time I even thought, hmm, should I blog about this? The answer hit me like a bolt of lightning as this woman continued to share about how her best friend was currently experiencing the exact same thing!
After that day, I pushed the idea to the back of my mind and refused to consider it when it nudged its way to the front. I preferred to only speak about it to strangers instead of having it in writing for everyone and anyone to read. That way it disappeared, in a sense, to be forgotten until the next time I spoke about it. If it wasn’t in writing I could pretend it was only in my imagination and never really happened.
Actually, it was (no, it is) only my imagination, but unfortunately my imagination has made “it” more of a reality than I’d like to think. Ok, enough stalling. What is “it”? “It” is the erroneous belief that my faithful husband was sneaking behind my back cheating on me. While I’ve struggled with insecurity for a long time, I think the one trigger moment for me, or as a friend termed it, the “devil poke,” was a couple of years ago when I saw a text from a coworker to him. I didn’t know they texted each other, and I saw a pink heart. Now before you go on thinking he’s doing anything, I have to tell you the reason for the text was because he had been out for a few months due to surgery and she had checked in with him to see how he was feeling, letting him know she was thinking of him. Now, you might say, did she really have to put a heart in there? That’s what I thought, too. But, maybe she’s just a nice, caring person who likes her emojis. I can tell you in confidence that nothing bad was intended in her text.
I went back and read past texts between them (with my husband’s insistence) and saw that they’ve ever only been work-related or harmless discussions. In my mind, however, that small act spiraled into something much greater and much more dangerous.
Anyone remember the cute, small, purple dragon named Figment who lives at Disney World’s Epcot Center? He represents a figment of our imagination. The entire place has activities to show visitors all that could happen if we just use a little imagination. Of course, it’s intended for progress and all things good. But what happens when this small figment of our imagination grows into a huge fear that transforms into a paranoia so debilitating that there are days when we can’t do anything except curl into the fetal position and cry out to God?
Life for me got to the point where I couldn’t even be in the same room alone with his cell phone. This knot in the pit of my stomach would tighten every time I looked at the small, rectangular box lying there on the table screaming, “read me!” Not too long ago, God gave me a revelation. I had an “ah-ha” moment. He showed me it was as if the devil covered my face with a veil. Not a light, beautiful wedding veil, but a dark, heavy veil that offers no glimpse of what lies beneath. When my eyes are covered by this veil, it is so easy for me to believe the lies the enemy is telling me about my husband. The thoughts that would enter my mind when I’d see his fingers typing away on his phone, or when I would walk into the room and see it on the table. Yet there are other times when my eyes are free from the weight of the veil and I see things clearly, the way they really are.
First Corinthians 10:13 encourages us, “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” Let me tell you, there were days I didn’t think I could bear it. But God IS faithful and knows all our struggles. During a severely difficult time, (because, let’s face it, we’ve all had roller coaster troubles in life-some days are easier than others), I was reading a book written by Carol Kent. In “When I Lay My Isaac Down,” she talks about her struggles with something terrible that happened with her son. In the chapter I was reading that particular day, I read this. “…but God, even while I’m saying I want to relinquish my control, I want to take it back. So God, I will let go of my control for the next minute, and if I make it that far, let’s try for five more minutes, and maybe there will be a time when I will come to the end of one full day.”
Those words saved me that day. I told myself if I could just get through one minute, then it didn’t matter what happened the rest of the day because I had success. Pretty soon the one minute grew to five minutes, and eventually, I was able to make it through an entire day without letting my imagination run wild.
Does It Matter What We Think? This experience shook me awake as to what can happen when we allow our minds to dwell on the wrong thing. You may be reading this and thinking, well, that’s too bad for you, I’m sorry you don’t trust your husband, but I don’t have that problem. I want to tell you that I believe a similar problem is lurking in the back of each one of our minds, waiting to prey on our vulnerability. Maybe this isn’t your problem. Maybe you’re not even married. But have you ever felt insecure? Have you ever thought someone was talking behind your back when you walked by? Have you ever feared that you would never have enough money in your bank account? We all have a fear that has the potential to overpower us and become greater than we alone can handle. As the Casting Crowns song goes, “we were made to be courageous.” What is your “devil poke?” I challenge you to release the barriers and think about that one thing that creates a debilitating fear within you, and allow God to heal it. Next week I’ll share how He is still doing a great healing in me and the good things He is bringing forth from this experience.